Demotivated

bluewaves_aiz
02082011

Tactless, I'll say what I have to say.

I'm not happy, not satisfied, not at all contented with where I am.

I still have a lot of rice to eat, and yes, that's just what I need. The main reason why I work, is to gain experience, so that after I come out of the world 2-4years from now, I can say, "Hey, I'm expert and experienced, Hire me!"

I admit I had problems what field to pursue, what language to focus on. Because I know a little about a lot, and that's just like "Jack of all trades but a master of none." And I don't want that. Even if I'll be a Jack of all trades, I want to be a master of ONE.

So that's where my problem lies. The field Application's Development/Web Development that I'd like to delve unto, is swayed far from where I stand. I was excited at my first months taking some taste at other fields, but I don't want to be swayed from coding at all.

I know this won't be a forever field. But I still imagine myself doing it 10-20years from now. That's what I think of.

And I've wasted 7months, and probably, will waste 1 and 1/2 year of my life if I stayed this way.

Yeah, do this to me, but you see, I'm way brighter than what you use to see at me. If you can't give me what I want, I'll get it somewhere else. I'm not at all contented with the floor I'm standing. I'll be a superman. You'll see.

This will serve as a challenge for me. If you won't give the opportunity, I'll make one for myself.

I'll focus on web development. But I'll be a superman. I don't wanna sound so conceited but I'm wasting my talent, my knowledge, my passion at doing things I never even appreciated.

I'll be an expert Web Developer, you'll see. That won't be a piece of cake, but its taste of challenge is better. I'll get loads of it.

FairyTales Part 2

bluewaves_aiz
01182011

A follow-up for my blog-Fairytales

Let's call her Beauty, bold and vibrant, stubborn and hot-headed, achiever... Hiding in her strong personality is the weakness that wells up inside. That's why at that magical night, she let her emotions get over her rational mind. And after that magical night, she never confronted that weakness.

Prince Charming, well, what else can I say, he's really not a prince after all, he's like a shrek to Beauty... But Beauty love that shrekness in him... Beauty appreciates it even if Shrek/Prince Charming buys isaw for her, serve her, piss her, throw jokes at her. And Beauty specially appreciate his love... even after that magical dance, and she just turned to be a common Cinderella...

Well, I didn't ended my past blog with a happy ending. Cause honestly, even if Prince Charming and Beauty became a couple. It's like having loads of step mother, witches and evil queen keeps them apart.

Should I really narrate the story?Don't read the next paragraph, if you don't want to.

So you're interested... Okay

After they became an official couple, the kingdom rejoiced for a while... Afterwards, they're already spreading gross gossips around the kingdom... That one was a storm... Cause even if the closest friends of Beauty and Prince Charming went against them.

They didn't give into that problem. But Beauty has to fulfill her dreams and go to the other Kingdom... And months(mostly felt like decade) before they see each other. And that mortally kills her - missing Prince Charming.

Because of some situations, they have to hide their love... they have to persevere in waiting for that right time... But Evil Queen asked her Magical Mirror and discovered Beauty and Prince Charming relationship... and call all her huntsmen to tear them apart. They give in... thinking it would be the best, to just wait for the right time.

It's hard to struggle and fight for your love. Is it worth it?

I miss someone so badly, it hurts ;(

bluewaves_aiz
01122011

Its nearing the time of truth... And Im still wide awake... with my buggy eyes and my tormented heart driving my fingers to type...

I... was never really that kind of poetic as a person... Not verbose... Not expressive... Not dramatic... Not at all sweet... Im more like a cold-hearted man...

But that coldness melted with his voice, his simple notes of saying, "ngatz!", his mere presence, the way he looks into me, the way he keeps his silence just to preserve the moment, and send me sea of emotions my heart can't contain...

I never even imagined that I'll fall this hard, that driving him away from me would suck my life.

I might be with my closest friends, that can keep me some company for the day. But after that, at my dreaded time, when Im alone, when I'd like to shut my eyes and sleep, that's where the thoughts of him rush back to me... Its like a curse that's been tormenting me everyday... And I just dont really know what kind of medicine should I take to get me rid of that curse.

I thought Im used to this situation... That his there, Im here, We know where we stand in our lives, We're on the process of building our dreams, and we badly want to build it fast, and that at the desired time, we'll be okay.

I should not be this melodramatic, cause we're just rational with our actions, but tonight, emotions welling up on me... Maybe because its the 12th...What's worse? I just watched Going the Distance and Dear John, which I can relate to... long-distance...

If only this situation would lighten up a bit... Hopefully, tonight, I can ease my wary heart....

Learning is my Passion

bluewaves_aiz
12032010


Here comes the learning passion again... And more than learning, I want to implement/apply... The list goes:

.I want to study photography, and digital arts. I want nature, buildings, human expressions as subject. I also want to capture the life of an event.

.I want to learn how to budget. How to meet the ends, and how to balance my financial life.

.I want to learn how to stay focus on a task, and to finish it with time.

.I want to learn to code GWT, or any languages for that matter, because I want to be a DEVELOPER - That will be my professional goal.

.I want to learn how to be appreciative of every little things in my life. Be it my 8-hours sleep, Spiritual foods digest, Foods I eat, People I get along with, I want to appreciate every positive things in nature.

.And the list will be added soon...

I will REACH IT

bluewaves_aiz
11232010

I am at my awakening time-11am... When its nearly lunch, and Im not yet productive...

Somethings been bothering me for months. I am on this laid-back-routined work again. And I'm not motivated at all. This is really sinking through me, its not at all challenging, and I hate it.

I want to develop. And I'm ambitious. My dreams are high, and I want to reach it - I will REACH IT.

I don't want it to be too late for me. So I'm gonna make my steps right now. I don't want opportunities to pass, and I'd like to strike the rod while its hot.

I don't want to stay in this loosed ground I'm standing. It rots my feet.

So... I'll act. Fast. Quality. I'll be better. I still have a lot of things to prove.

Never let your commitments interfere with your dreams....

bluewaves_aiz
09092010

It has been a long time since I wrote my spontaneous blogs, so trashy, I think... But recently, well maybe for a month, something bothers me - my career path.

When I was in elementary, I dream of graduating in highschool, when I was in 1st year high school, I dream of going to college, and when I turned to college, I dream of working. Yes, I just dream to advance. So futuristic that I really think, planning for future is my strength. But I'm weak at implementing it.

Highschool: My more specific dream, to be a psychologist and to study in UP. But when I need to follow-up my papers, and my parents disagree with the course, I ended up taking the path I didn't dream of. Fear, low self-esteem, low self-drive, procrastination, laziness and energiless actions contributed in doing so. Yes. I acknowledge my mistakes. I stayed within my comfort zone. But there is no room for regret now.

So when I started preparing for my on-the-job training, I corrected my mistakes - I chased after my dream, to work here in Manila. So even if it is always traffic, even it gives me stress, even when I loose weight, even if I stayed away from him, even if I can no longer give myself some luxury - it was all worth it. I gained what I want.

That's how stubborn I am. Even if it doesn't alleviate the situation, as long as I don't like it, I won't do it.

But now, grrrr... I'm doing some mainframe job. It's now what I dream at all. It doesn't make me happy.

And I'm afraid I'll stuck here for 2years. huhuhu... although, mainframe job has a lot of opportunities, and really, 40% of the biggest system still uses mainframe, it doesn't make me happy. Maybe because I'm not that good at it. It doesn't make me happy...

They said this field is an acquired taste. If it gives big bucks, why not! But my first love is for .NET and Java, and Web fields as well.

So I'm determined to use my spare time to study beyond my present commitment, and if chance is given, I'd like to pursue my passion and walk the career path I'd like to take.

"Never let your commitments interfere with your dream" - bluewaves_aiz

My goal for 5 years: BE promoted. To 3rd degree above my present position. And walk Java Development side. Be it web or standalone. I believe those go side by side.

A History

.It's ironic that the title of my blog is "Full Moon" while my background is water. They are two great contributory to my personality - the moon and the water.

Let's start with that moon thing. Don't even think of Sailor Moon. I only dreamt of wearing her costume. They say that mysterious thing happen when the moon shines brightly in full bloom. My hormones is triggered to do crazy things when the its Full Moon. Its a psychological thing - that the brightness of the moon just emanates a deviant side of me. I was even teased at my high school days as "werewolf"... (Well, that's just bernie, I still remember...hehe)...

And when I first created this blog. Its a Full Moon. And I'm wide awake, posting a blog entitled Full Moon.

As for why I love the water, I believe its the thing that can best describe me.

Water can be as clear and pure. Safe and calm.
It can be as wild as the waves, and crash with the rocks.
It can go with the flow of the river.
It can be as dirty and stagnant as the water in the creeks.
It can evaporate when it reaches its boiling point.
And can be frozen as well. But still,with great heat, it can still be melted.
It can provide refreshment to those who are thirsty.
But it can also cause diseases.
It can pour down heavily as the rain, if the clouds can no longer carry the load.
It changes into many form.

That was my reflections.

FYI: I'm bugged of ideas, but when I wrote it, it came out as a trash... hehe... :)